thinking...

Moving into this next stage of life - not adding any new little ones to our 'quiver', but watching what we do have grow and mature - is proving harder some days more than others. I've seen other women go through this time with confidence and relief; no more late night feedings, no more diapers, no more baby sounds or smells or warm little bundles to snuggle. I, on the other hand, are not going so gently into that good night. I found out recently that several women in our church are expecting and though I am truly happy for them, inside I ache. I woke up at 4 this morning with another coughing fit (I am finally getting over this bronchitis) and lay there trying repeatedly to give this back to the Lord... to praise and thank Him for His blessings to these families... for their health and safety... and trying to steer clear from the "why not me too, Father?" It's just where I am at and I don't want to be here - instead I'd rather be at my Saviour's feet dwelling on Him, not my own stuff. I finally stopped dancing around the ache in my heart and just confessed to Him that I am fighting His will for my life. Please forgive me. Please help me to stop living in this shadow and just move out to Your glorious light.
I struggle to not come back to last June... I would be 24 weeks or so had that been a baby and not a blighted ovum. I would be more than half way through a pg and looking forward to a baby. That's just not so easy to toss aside as hard as I try. And I really do want to be obedient and thankful and content in the Lord and what His will is for me.

I will keep trying. It should get easier, right?